So I thought this would be a better place to write long blog-style entries, should anyone care to read them. Even if they don’t want to, I think this set-up is just a better outlet for me to vent.
Lots of things rolling around in my brain right now…
Binged and purged last night. I’m not sure entirely what triggered it; perhaps the spiritual support group (yup) we went to go interview. It put me in a weird, sad mood. Went to Panera, said yes to the 99cent bakery item which I always manage to say no too, in addition to already ordering a higher calorie soup. Ate everything and it tasted DELICIOUS but something in my brain said “you can’t let it stay there.” So I purged. I’m not happy about it.
I’ve kind of been off in general lately. Maybe it’s the cold, or the anxiety of moving, or something else entirely that I’ve yet to discover. I know in terms of my love life I’ve been a little… I don’t know the right word… frustrated sounds too negative. Lost? maybe. We’ve never talked about what we “are” or if we’re “dating” or whatever and for the most part it doesn’t really bother me. We spend the majority of our time together and neither one of us (at least I’m not) appears to be looking for someone else. But I keep getting this tugging feeling that I’m just temporary. Like, there’s someone else he’d rather have, but I’ll do for the time being. It’s silly, I know, and I need to not be so possessive and get over it. But really, if I hear one more thing about how much more awesome she is than me one more time I may scream.
Trained in the gym this morning. It was pretty intense. My trainer is getting me into shape for the Rock’n Run on April 28th. I’m already on operation “get jacked” but this definitely raised the stakes. I want to be one of those girls crossing the finish line in shorts and a sports bra with mud smeared on her rock hard abs. I can dream!
Now, I’ve been biking everywhere for the past couple weeks because I had to return the car I was borrowing. For a while, I was feeling pretty negative about this, despite the obvious benefits of being more active, saving on gas money, etc. However, it clicked in my brain this morning that having a bike is really like, the ultimate freedom for me. I got a bike in Miami around the time my fiance and I broke up (because I was reluctant to put more money into the car we shared). I used this bike to get to school, to go shopping, to get to friends houses–to be free from feeling tethered to someone. Something about having that freedom here is almost frightening. Because I’m not truly tethered to anyone. And I haven’t made a lot of friends out here yet. The possibilities of places to bike to and from in LA is endless and yet I spend most of alone time in my room wondering what to do. I clearly still haven’t figured myself out; who I am, what I want. I miss acting.