Through My Walls

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Ayala's Ginger Lemon Peel Sparkling Herbal Water

So without alcohol, I’m finding myself craving something to drink other than water. Don’t get me wrong; I like water, and I drink a lot of it. Sometime TOO much of it. But sometimes, I just need another taste. Came across this beautiful baby at Whole Foods and not only did it satisfy my wine desire, it placated my sweet tooth as well. The flavor is very mild, not too sweet and has just the right about of bubbles. Apparently there’s also a lemongrass mint vanilla!? I would like 5 dozen cases please.

Didn’t sleep super well last night, but I still made myself get up, eat a Quest Bar, and go to the gym this morning to swim some laps. Now, by swimming laps, I actually mean I flailed about wildly back and forth across the lane for about 30 minutes. I am HOPELESS when it comes to swimming laps. At first I tried just doing breaststroke, but without goggles it just got kind of frustrating. Then I attempted butterflies… from what I remember a butterfly stroke kind of looks like. It was a hot mess. I think the other swimmers probably thought I was drowning. About 15 minutes in I thought “maybe I’ll just use a kickboard for a while to strengthen my legs.” Um, no. My legs were not having that after what I put them through yesterday. Instead, I ended up kind of floating myself on the kickboard and just working on my arm strokes. I think this was probably a good move though, as silly as I must have looked. It’s definitely my arm strength lacking in my strokes, not the leg muscle in kicking. After my lats started to burn, I was happy with my decision. To round everything out I finished with a few laps of backstrokes; something I’m apparently decent at? Weird.

After the gym we went to interview Bill Jones for the doc. By the time we left, I was RAVENOUS. Stopped into Whole Foods for a snack…

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Whole Foods overpriced smoothie with whey, almond milk and spinach ($5.99)

Another green beverage today… but seeing as how I kicked my but this morning, I decided a protein shake was a better way to go. It was certainly not the cheaper way to go, however. It was good… but 6 bucks for 16oz!? Robbery.

Didn’t keep me full for more than a couple hours…. 12:30 is an early lunch for me, but I couldn’t wait any longer.

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Today's salad: Dr. Praeger's Italian Burger and sauteed broccoli over organic mixed greens

Pretty standard, but pan seared by burger so it was good and tasty 🙂

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I realized something very important yesterday. Blogging about my eating disorder is my cowardly way of hiding behind it. Sure, I can type words about how it makes me feel and my emotions in the aftermath. I can’t see the faces of people reading about how many times I put my body through that abuse. Because what I can’t do, is look someone in the eye and tell them how I’m feeling, or how I’ve screwed up, or any other kind of intimate detail. During my group counseling in college, I avoided eye contact at all cost, and rarely spoke other than to offer tips that I’d thought of but wasn’t necessarily employing. I’ve even seen a few therapists at this point and rarely do we ever cover the E.D. The first time I told someone I actually cared about (my ex), he asked me if I wasn’t just making an excuse for the bad eating I’d been doing. It was like a slap in the face. Here is this person that I love, that supposedly loves me and is supposed to be supportive of me, and I’d been judged and dismissed. I was crushed. After that, I’d talked about it a little with friends, but not in great detail and rarely let on about how serious it was getting. Some dismissed it, some offered advice, but mostly I was treated like some crazy, ticking time  bomb that could go off at any moment. After I graduated, I decided I didn’t want to be treated like that, so I opted to just not tell anyone else; in person anyway.

I told plenty of people via my blog, over facebook chats, over texts; anyone willing to listen that I didn’t actually have to face.

Until now.

But now I continue to alienate him from this part of my life out of fear. I’ve put up these walls, slowly but surely and while I don’t like the overly dramatic “I’ll never lover again” spiel, it certainly does take a lot to make me feel comfortable completely opening up to someone. Allowing myself to become that vulnerable is terrifying. I’ve already convinced myself I’m not good enough, so saying these things out loud only validates that, in my mind anyway.

And I feel terrible, because I want to be able to share these things, and it’s not like I feel like I can’t; it’s that I feel like I shouldn’t. Partly because I don’t want disappoint anyone. But maybe part of me isn’t ready to fix this yet. Maybe it’s safer to continue to have a problem that I’m not willing to solve because it feels comforting in some way.

I don’t think I’m articulating this properly, but seeing as how important people are reading my blog now and I can’t bring myself to say these things out loud for some reason, I had to try to approach it somehow. I think I’m finally reaching a breaking point with this. I hope.

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Slightly related; super obsessed with this song right now:

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4 thoughts on “Through My Walls

  1. I’ve been seeing you reply over at whats up chickenbutt, so I decided it was time to come check out your blog. This is beautful: I know what you mean about being able to write stuff in your blog that you can say to people face to face. But you know what? I think this is definitely good that you are doing it here. It’s the first step. I’m curious to read about what you are doing for a documentary and what your eating disorder is, so I will have to come back later when I have more time (at work now, eeeee). Thanks for sharing.

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