I’m having a day.
Not a bad day. Not “one of those” days. Not a specific kind of day.
Just a day.
I woke up feeling okay. It’s freakin Friday! I cleaned my room a little before work. Rode past some guy mowing the lawn so that fresh cut grass smell was in the air. The sun was shining. I even had time to go to Whole Foods and buy copious amounts of tea and get a teecino:
But somehow I just feel off.
I don’t know, perhaps my anxiety about the race tomorrow is manifesting in weird ways.
I’ve been trying to pump myself up by reading all my fitness blogs and different articles, ways to run, etc. and in the end it all kind of feels pointless.
It’s not like I’m running a marathon. I’m rolling around in some mud. And apparently I run incorrectly already anyway.
Me? Do something incorrectly? Shocking.
And I feel bad because I haven’t called home in a while, but by the time I get home from work, it’s late on the east coast and I’ve been working weekends, and I DON’T want to deal with my mother…
My energy levels have been all over the place; I’ll feel alert one minute and then completely drained the next. Had to do a beet flow flush last weekend because bile wasn’t flowing correctly.
Internally everything seems to be “flowing” better now, but I’m still sleepy. I guess I go to bed late.
Idk, I guess the biggest thing is that I’m frustrated. I’m on week 3 of “perfect 3 weeks” and I haven’t lost any weight. None. The scale hasn’t budged. A couple people have commented that I look thinner, and a few articles of clothing fit better, but overall I’m just not noticing a difference. Could just be a lack of confidence I suppose, but I can’t get over tying my feelings of attractiveness to that number on the scale. In my mind, I’m sexy when I’m a certain weight. Not to mention being able to fit back into my super skinny jeans would be great… that certainly hasn’t happened yet.
Instead I keep having these dreams where I eat something “bad” and feel horribly guilty afterwards. I also realized that I’m alone in these dreams, aside from whoever is selling me these chocolate bars and (last night’s) pastries. I just kept thinking over and over again in my dream that I needed to throw up that pastry so I wouldn’t ruin the progress I’ve made.
And then I wake up frustrated, thinking “what freaking progress?! I should’ve just eaten the pastry!”
I guess maybe I’ve just been overly sensitive lately. Little things are setting me off. Not anxiety, freak out wise, but more depression wise. I’m just sick and tired of not feeling good enough.
Hopefully covering myself in some mud tomorrow will perk me up. I might try yoga again this afternoon too.
And to close on a less depressing note for everyone, some eats to end the week:
^Last nights dinner from Coley’s: Steamed red snapper with jamaican spices, mixed veggies, okra and salad (crazy good)
Vegan Pumpkin Pie Yogurt
- 1 cup unsweetened plain soy yogurt
- 2 T pumpkin
- 1 T almond butter
- 1 packet stevia
Blend and enjoy.