Oh hi there!
Sorry to have taken such a long break… I’d gone off to find myself.
Okay, that sounds a little too dramatic. Mostly, I was in Florida, and then came back, and have been moving into the new office all week. BUT…
I did kinda of have an existential experience coming home from Florida.
I’d finally finished my ED book, Life Without Ed on the ATL->LAX leg. This book has taken me forever. Partly because I read stuff that’s supposed to help me and think “this is stupid, I can’t do this, I’m not this bad, I’m not skinny enough to really have an eating disorder, etc etc, excuse excuse” and partly because I read certain sections and am TERRIFIED by how much I relate.
I think the biggest thing for me was realizing that it’s not just the food, and it’s not even just the weight. ED gets into the deepest parts of your brain and allows you to hide all those secrets you never tell anyone out of fear of being judged or vulnerable or criticized. My ED allows me to attain my own twisted form of perfection; it keeps me exactly where I am, exactly where I’m comfortable. It’s the negative self-talk that keeps me believing that I’m not good enough and that I’m incapable of any further success or happiness so I should just maintain what I have now because it can only get worse.
So I’m sitting on the plane, musing about what I’d just read and all the exercises I was supposed to do, feeling rather ornery and anxious, so I decided to listen to TED talks to take my mind off of it.
Now, I’m not religious, and I don’t believe in fate, but truly the universe decided I wasn’t allowed to take my mind off it. Oh no, I had to look at it even deeper. This chick starts talking about how she’s been studying shame and whole heartedness for the past ten years, and how everything comes down to vulnerability.
Red flag number 1. I hate being vulnerable.
So she covers all these points that I can’t help but relate to and closes with these points:
- to feel this vulnerable means that I’m alive
- you cannot selectively numb emotion
- we pretend that what we do doesn’t have an effect on people
- we need to let ourselves be seen
- we need to love with our whole hearts even when there’s no guarantee (!!!!)
- BELIEVE THAT WE ARE ENOUGH.
Whoa. Now I don’t know how many of you remember, but a few months back I included my plans for my first tattoo that will go on the inside of my wrist. The text: “you are enough.”
I almost broke down in tears on the plane. I was done. Tapped out. Exhausted.
Okay, I get it universe, time for a change!
So the next morning I woke up rather early, had some breakfast at panera and started doing some of the exercises. I won’t share everything with you, but I will tell you my new life outlook:
- Define what I want.
- Figure out how to get it.
What I’ve discovered so far, is that trying is the hardest thing, and part of the problem is that vulnerability, and the other part is that negative self talk perpetuated by my ED. Oh, hi vicious cycle.
So I’m trying. And I’m applying myself. And I’m lifting heavy. And I’m eating what I want, with an emphasis on clean eats. With the occasional shared cookie.
That’s enough talking… here’s the TED talk and some inspirational images, cause I’m cool like that. Back to the fitness next week 🙂