The Bipolar Monster

I apologize for saying I’d have an awesome post and then bailing.

I did the same thing on my workout yesterday…

Yup. For the first time in my life, I went into the gym with a workout planned and just left.

Okay, I made a feeble attempt to start. I could tell something was going to be off when the barbell racks AND the lat pull downs were all taken. I grabbed a barbell and began doing the third circuit of my workout (lunges and swiss ball crunches) when my body and brain just completely checked out. I couldn’t breath. I was ready to burst into tears. I tried to ignore it and I did one more set of lunges and finally gave up. I practically sprinted to put my weight away before I started balling in the middle of the weight room.

Ended up going to Panera to drink tea, sift through loan documents and get a very belated birthday card together for my mom.

My cycle ended yesterday, so I guess I could blame it on residual hormones, but I’ve had this sort of “sad” feeling poking at me since Wednesday. Thursday it was more anxiety during the day, but the depression set in around late afternoon and has lasted until, well, now, with small breaks in between.

Had horrible dreams last night that have helped to make me an emotional wreck right now. Just stupid stuff, but when the Bipolar Monster comes to play, it’s really hard to correct the situation when you’re too exhausted to fight it.

this can’t end well.

The boy really tried to cheer me up, god love him. We even ate Taco Bell last night. But naturally I let Ms. Crabby Pants take over as the night went on, and I inadvertently made him mad at me by retiring to bed early, without telling him.

don’t look at me.

I think I need a vacation.

Alright, that’s enough moping on my blog for today. Let’s take a look at how I did with my October goals…

Affirmations – definitely stepped up my game in terms of uplifting posts (this one NOT included)
Backloading
 – was doing really well until a couple days ago… gonna have to hit the reset button on this one.
Cut back on coffee 
– definitely didn’t follow through on this one. However, I’m doing “No Coffee November” now… day 2… not loving it.
Dent my debt 
– I plea the 5th
Exercise Posts 
– I’ve definitely been telling you guys more about my workouts, but actually routine posts have been lacking; I should start posting what I do with my clients.
Food Porn 
– I started off strong with this… then bailed. I think I’ve been avoiding really looking at what I’ve been eating, which is probably why I feel so fat.. oh vicious cycle.
Gluten Free – 
for the most part I avoided gluten… then these past few days happened
Hit some balls – well, I’ve been playing… but not well.
Ice cream – we made really good pumpkin ice cream!
Jumprope – didn’t really use it this week, but I used it a lot the rest of October
Kombucha – didn’t happen; but I did win some Kombucha Extract from a giveaway so… does that count?
Lifting! – I lifted a lot; don’t think I really hit any PRs… yesterday’s deadlifts should have been had I not bailed.
Meditate – fail.
Overcome bulimia – 33 days.
Post more – kinda
Quit forcing things – meh.
Run more – running a 10k tomorrow morning!
Submit myself to at least 1 audition/day – so I’ve actually done well at this. Been to a couple workshops and auditions, and have been getting good feedback. Going to a Manager Workshop on Wednesday so I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Training – was back on track with my studying until the Bipolar monster took over, so at least I’m getting better.
Underwear pics! – well, you got one…
Vegetables – been eating a LOT of veggies… except for yesterday; Taco Bell oops
Water – this definitely improved
XXX – this was good until the parents came
Yoga – fail.
Zzz – I have been sleeping TERRIBLY

November… no coffee, eat better, sleep better, maybe sugar detox? we’ll see… Almost done NROLFW phase 1, despite yesterday’s setback. 10k in the morning! Thank you all for reading 🙂

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3 thoughts on “The Bipolar Monster

  1. I hope you feel better today. I know how you feel but hopefully when you snap back you will be stronger and happier!
    Great accomplishments this month – good luck in your race!

  2. Awesome job on the goals! Maybe scale back and not set so many? 🙂 Seems hard to accomplish so much at once!!
    And I’ve totally been there before about the getting to the gym and just wanting to bail. I’m a super emotional girl and sometimes little things set me off.. like today..
    We moved our garage gym into the sun room since it’s starting to get BF-Cold out there.. and my bf and his friend were working out when I got home (it’s a much smaller space now).. and I asked if he brought in my workout log when he moved everything in the house; he said no.. I went, unlocked the garage, got my log, locked it back up, came back to workout.. I asked where the PVC pipes were, and he asked why I wanted them.. and I’m like to warm up… and he told me they were locked in the garage..ugh.. then I just got so mad and said something along the lines of well, sorry for being such a big inconvenience.. in not a nice tone.. and just wanted to skip working out altogether. But I did feel much better after they were done and I worked out alone.. just so much more peaceful.. and now all is well lol. Sucks being a girl sometimes 🙂
    Hope you’re doing better.. about to read your Monday blog post, which looked a bit mroe cheery 😉

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