I need to get back on my horse.
After 11 weeks of performances, I’ve finally snapped. I talk a good talk about how taking my clothes off for art is liberating and all that jazz, but truthfully, it is EXHAUSTING.
It takes so much energy to amp myself up enough to be able to bare it all three times a week. I am still extremely uncomfortable with my body and can only assume that the audience is not judging my acting ability, but every imperfection my body has to offer.
It started really getting to me a couple weeks ago, and since then, my diet and workouts have changed DRASTICALLY.
I don’t like to eat on show days so I tend to have a smoothie two before the performance. Then after the show, my inner fat kid is unleashed upon whatever poor food substance happens to get in my way. And it’s never a goddamn salad.
Oh no. It’s Taco Bell, or Chipotle, or pizza. And then for the next two days I regret my food choices not only from a health standpoint (thanks gluten intolerance) but from the old ED mentality as well (you’re weak, you’ll never overcome this, etc. etc.). Shut up, self! You’re so mean!
I’m mean to myself, and stress myself out (on top of the other stressors that exist) to the point of pure exhaustion. Like, actual exhaustion. So I attempt to workout, but leave feeling drained and fatigued.
All I want to do is sleep.
Except that my sleep is restless and I get up the next morning feeling just as tired as the night before.
Luckily, I’m trying to give myself a break; both mentally and physically. This is the last weekend of shows and after that, it’s time to get back on my horse.