Since “choosing to be happy,” it seems like my mind is always racing. I talk a good talk, but sometimes it’s still really easy to get down on myself.
In terms of recovery, I’m still battling with a lot of negative voices. I struggle to accept my body and still find myself turning to food and controlling food as a way to cope. I won’t lie and say I am recovered. Everyday is a battle. But I’ve realized, it’s because having an ED has gotten too easy.
It’s easy to give up and say f#ck it, I’ll never recover, I may as well just binge and purge. It’s easy to get overtired and shove everything and anything in my face when I get home at the end of the day. It’s easy to punish myself with starvation if I feel fat.
It’s hard to let myself eat food when I’m hungry and enjoy it. It’s hard to see food as fuel. It’s hard to stop myself from eating more, even when I know I’m full. It’s hard to keep the food down if I get past the point of being too full.
But if I’m choosing happiness, that has to involve better steps towards true recovery. I can’t be happy and have an ED. It just doesn’t work. I can’t have an ED and properly fuel my body to be lean and strong. I can’t have an ED, period. Luckily I have a loving boyfriend who is there to support me as I struggle and reassure me that I’m not as fat as I think I am.
Find someone to hold you accountable; someone you can confide in. Take it one day at a time and simply choose to be happy. Fighting the daily battle isn’t simple, but knowing what you want is. You just need the confidence to stand up and take it.