Hot Mess

I’ve been wanting to post, but I’m worried that all I’ll do is whine…

CrossFit MURDERED me on Friday. I felt weak, fat and completely useless. I know I can mostly blame it on hormones, but really I just wanted to walk out of there crying.

Our WOD was Nancy, and let me just tell you… Nancy is a bitch. Of the first degree. 5 rounds of a 400m run and 15 OH squats. At first, that didn’t sound too bad. I run. I squat. But when I attempted to lift just the stupid 45# bar over my head, I knew I was in trouble. My balance was off and there is no way in hell I could have done 75 of them. So I had to drop down to 33#. THE RX IS FREAKING 65#. I hated myself. I was so disappointed that I couldn’t lift more. The first 400m loop was slow. My legs felt like lead. I wanted to die.

But I pushed through. I finished in 17:49. And then accidentally ran an extra 400m. Whoops.

At the end, I chalked it up to a long, draining, hormone-driven first week of CrossFit and decided I should probably give myself a break.

Saturday night we went to a cookout at the boy’s sister’s and I gave myself WAY too much of a break. I got embarrassingly drunk. I don’t even know how it happened… I didn’t mean to drink so much. I didn’t eat very much during the day and then once I started drinking, I couldn’t seem to stop. It’s a little scary to be honest. Heavily contemplating taking another dry spell for a while. Naturally I say this after buying GF beer and hard cider for camping… Perhaps when we get back.

Monday’s workout was a MAP and was much more palatable. The overall goal is endurance for MAP testing, so while you’re still supposed to crank out as many rounds as possible, you’re aiming to do it at 80-90% intensity and stay at a steady pace. There were two different circuits that we repeated 4 times.

A: 3 squats, 7 slam balls, 10 sit ups, 200m run (I did 2+100m each time)

B: 5 ring rows, 5 burpees, 5 lunges each leg, 7 calorie airdyne (best was 3+5 RR)

There was another girl I tried to keep pace with and I matched her for the most part, so I was happy I wasn’t left in anyone’s dust. The 200m was way more manageable than 400m and I felt like I made up some time on that.

Dreading today’s a little bit… just sneaked a peak (I should stop doing that) and it’s a LOT of running. UGH.

A. Score is total time.
Run 400m, rest 2 min
Run 200m, rest 2 min
Run 400m, rest 2 min

B. 2k Row Test (2013 Games event 2) (but not the 19,097meters to follow!)

While Heat 1 is rowing – heat 2 will work:
Muscle Up Transitions x5 +
Rope Climbs: 30 seconds AMRAP
Rest 1 minute

Switch it Up when Heat 1 Finishes

In other news, I’m still in a serious place of anxiety when it comes to my career and what I want for my future. If I stay at Fleet Feet for another year, I’m in a good position to get a salaried job at another company (perhaps in Portland) doing the same thing. The biggest issue is, a lot of the places require a BA in Marketing or Communications, which I don’t have. Truthfully, I’d rather be acting… but I think I picked the wrong city to move to. Everything casting in NYC appears to want real looking people. The majority of castings out here want models. “Something between an Italian horror movie heroine and a Victoria’s Secret Model.” Seriously?! WTF. So I’m pretty discouraged and in serious doubt about my life choices up to this point. If I’m honest with myself, I want to be a 50s housewife who happens to workout like a beast, with kids who love my cookies and I serve on their school PTA to make sure kids are eating healthy and getting enough exercise.

I keep waiting for some kind of sign that will never come, hoping that somehow my debt will magically be erased and I can focus on pursuing acting without having to worry about the next creditor phone call. I feel perpetually on edge and it adds to my already feeling exhausted. I’m plagued by feeling not good enough, both physically and intellectually. I obsess over my food, and my body, and my workouts. I desperately wish I could just be a normal, happy 23 year old, but sadly at this point in our society, this probably IS normal for most 23 year olds.

Someday I will look back on this time in my life and laugh, because I will be wise, and worldly, and will have figured out my life.

Until then, I’m just gonna be a hot mess.



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