I kept my last post light and embraced the good things…
I don’t plan on getting too negative nancy, but I do have one gripe.
I HATE CLOTHES. There, I said it. Yes, I am a girl and I hate clothes; vehemently. I hate shopping for clothes, I hate trying on clothes, and I hate trying to figure out what to wear. I’m sick of the way clothes fit me, or rather, don’t fit me. My hips and butt fit in ZERO styles of pants or shorts. If I find something that fits my waist, my thighs look like stuffed sausages. If I find something that fits my thighs and butt, the waist is huge and I look dumpy.
I’m sick of feeling unattractive! Honestly, I think I look better naked than in jeans, but that’s not super socially acceptable.
So instead I live in athletic wear and continue to feel unattractive because really, living in yoga pants is what middle-aged divorcees do. I’m young! I’m healthy! I want to be and feel hot! Yes, hot, juvenile as that may sound.
CrossFit is definitely helping… my arms and legs have way more definition and the perma-pudge around my middle is slowly but surely decreasing. I could cut sugar and speed the process, but… babysteps. In reality, I’ve only just gotten to the point where I can eat things and not feel guilty, or have the urge to binge. Example, I can eat serving sizes of ice cream and put the rest away. Or have one donut even though there’s still a whole bunch sitting in a box on the counter. Do I need to be eating a donut at all? Of course not. At the end of the day, if I wanted to get for serious and get all fitness modeled out, donuts would not be part of the plan. But right now they are. So I guess I should probably stop complaining that I don’t like the way my pants fit.
I really hate being so negative all the time. I desperately want to be a happy person who can just go with the flow and accept my body for where it’s at. I want to be proud that I PR’d my clean and jerk this week– 103#!!! Am I stoked? Sure. Is that what’s on my mind? No; I’m obsessed with seeing how skinny I can make myself look in the mirror and then get depressed if I don’t like what I see. Is this healthy behavior? Not at all. I’m still in an ED mindset, even if I don’t follow through on all the same behavior patterns. I’m stressing out about being in my bikini in front of people while we camp this weekend. I’m stressing out over my job. I’m stressing out because my mother sends me letters about my loans telling me the amount that would “be in my best interest” to start paying once I’m “financially stable.” Seriously?!
So I’m exhausted. And I haven’t been taking my meds because that sh*t’s expensive. So I’m often very anxious or very depressed, and I use all my energy to keep from totally falling apart in the middle of training a client or working at the store.
But I’m trudging along. On my way to CrossFit High Voltage to kill myself a bit. Then a fun weekend of camping with the boy, his fam and the pup.
Anyone else hate pants? Fun weekend plans?