I’ve been extremely frustrated with my body lately, so I’ve looked back at my eating from when I thought I looked pretty good… and honestly, I was surprised to find the differences aren’t major. I’d say the biggest thing is that when I had rehearsals, I ate less carbs since I was eating alone. But calories are all pretty much in the same place, as is protein. I don’t have protein shakes as much, but looking at MFP, I wasn’t relying on them as breakfast; I had them post-workout in the morning.
Workouts are certainly more intense now in the gym thanks to CrossFit, but running has been on hiatus and biking is almost non-existent. Perhaps that’s it… hoping training for this half marathon will help. I have a new client 4 days a week who’s pretty far into Burbank, so if I bike on those days I’d be doing between 12-15 miles… The mileage isn’t bad, but it takes up a lot of extra time.
I also have to acknowledge that I was still purging a lot back at the beginning few months of the year… and not just junk; healthy stuff too. Salads and veggies and what not…
As I walked back to my car after training a client this morning, I found myself scrutinizing my shadow. I was reminded that even though the purging has stopped, my mental state is not healed. I mean, really… I beat myself up because the downward angle of the sun (over which I have no control) is giving me an unflattering shadow? WHO DOES THAT?!
I think back to when I first started working out and my efforts in the gym. I had this book I had put together from a bunch of magazines like Seventeen and SELF. In it were pictures of stick thin girls in bikinis and short shorts, along with some “at-home” style workouts promising flat abs and a J-Lo butt. And I did them religiously. I ate as little as possible and woke up every morning promising myself that I would get to look like one of those skinny girls if I wanted it badly enough. As much as I try and say that I want to be strong and muscular, I think I’m ingrained with that same desire to be stick thin.
I find myself discouraged by photos and blog posts that are meant to motivate others. I get annoyed with women who have conquered their EDs and look amazing, or who’ve lost a ton of weight and put on a bunch of lean mass in less time than I’ve been trying to lose the same 10-15lbs. And I know it’s wrong to feel this way; I should be inspired by their results and feel happy for them. Instead I have this voice in my head telling me I’ll never get there, so I shouldn’t bother.
I guess the heart of the problem is that base too much of my happiness on how I look. I spend a lot of the day in a negative place, not because of debt and career insecurity (I mean, that plays a small part) but MAINLY because I’m unhappy with my body. It’s not healthy, and it’s EXHAUSTING.
Ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? There’s a scene where Clementine is hiding under the covers, asking Joel if he thinks she’s pretty. She recalls a doll she had in her childhood…
I keep yelling at her, “You can’t be ugly! Be pretty!” It’s weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.
That about sums up where I am when it comes to body image.