Confession

I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been freaking out ever since I saw this:image

My first worry was that TJ was going to be less than thrilled about the situation. Not in a “don’t have this baby” way, but a super-crazed, planning for the apocalypse kind of lock down.

But that didn’t happen. He was happier than I could have even hoped. He got a little liquored up… but that’s to be expected at an open bar at your company’s Christmas party.

image

I was still terrified. Here I am, 25 years old, VERY MUCH still in college debt, barely scraping by, and not even CLOSE to doing what I want with my life… and now I’m growing a person inside of me.

Everyone was so excited when we told them, so I tried to be excited too… but part of me just wasn’t.

Even when this popped up on the little screen:

image

If anything, I became more overwhelmed that there is, in fact, a baby growing in there.

It has not been an easy pregnancy thus far. Around-the-clock nausea and fatigue in the first trimester. Debilitating migraines and fatigue in the second. Having a REALLY hard time coping with how my body is changing. Frustrated by my inability to do things and think clearly. Feeling like there’s no way in hell I’m going to be any good at parenting once the baby comes.

I feel incredibly lucky that I am able to get pregnant, so please don’t misunderstand my lament. It’s just that, so far, I haven’t experienced much that makes me happy to BE pregnant.

Yeah, I love babies, and I’ve always wanted one… but like most of us, I always assumed it would be on my terms. I would be married. I would have more money. I would have less debt. I would feel like I had achieved something in my desired career path. And none of this is the case. So I’ve been feeling a little lost, and a little bitter about this whole pregnancy thing.

Then I was browsing Instagram and saw this picture. I don’t know what did it, but something about the picture hit home for me. I thought – YES. This is what I want.

And I may have cried a little bit. Pregnancy hormones do that.

Despite my fears and insecurities and frustrations, I am (finally) really excited for the future. My body is growing a BABY with a little help from the DNA of my FAVORITE person and we’re going to raise a child together. No, we’re not perfect, and maybe we won’t always know what we’re doing, but that doesn’t matter. We make an incredible team, and whatever issues come up, we’ll help each other through them. Because that’s what we do.

So right now, the only thing I’ve overwhelmed by is how in love with this man I am.

image

(okay, and maybe the whole delivery thing too, but I’m not gonna think about that right now.)

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